the ebb and flow of healing
‘One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious’ - Carl Jung
When we choose a different path, when we decide to finally walk with our shadow, rather than run from it- we begin to embody parts of ourselves that have been lost. These lost parts of ourselves show up from the darkness, finally being brought to the light. They are the aspects of each of us that we have buried deep within, that we have hidden from others and from ourselves. We have caught glimpses of them as we live. The triggered response that is much to large for the circumstance at hand, the patterned moments that continue to show up for us, with different circumstances or a different face, but the underlying themes are the same. Our shadows present themselves when we finally step in to the light that is our soul, our fully embodied self. This is why shadow work is hard, this is why healing is difficult. We are forced to hold the hand of the parts of us we have denied- in order to walk with them in wholeness. This is the part of healing that isn’t much talked about. We picture healing as being this beautiful experience where we make a few better choices and are suddenly fully integrated and awake, but you must awaken within the nightmares of your subconscious in order to live in your dream. What you avoid, persists. What you quiet, eventually screams. It is the stillness you find within the noise of your shadow’s cries that allow you the growth that you seek.
No one really speaks of the madness you can feel when you decide to embark on your shadow journey. When you make the choice to fully take ownership of who you are and where you are going, you have also made the choice to face head on what you have been avoiding. This is a hero’s journey. This requires a brave heart and a steadfast conviction not to turn back, but to continue forward through the forest of shadows that you must walk through to truly get to where you long to go. We all desire to be our best selves. We all desire to make changes that we know we should make. It is the darkness we must face when we are actually seeking more light, that stops so many in their tracks.
How many of us start a better habit, or quit a toxic one, only to turn back to it a few weeks later? It is because these habits or patterns are our way of avoiding what must be felt in order to grow and truly change.
I have become very aware of the patterns rooted deep within myself lately. The happiness I feel in my current reality is in direct correlation to how deeply I am willing to dig to find the root of what has caged me. Once the roots are found, it is my job to untangle them from the Earth of my psyche., to allow them the light they need to grow in a new direction. When we drop our habits to numb out (via alcohol, nicotine, food, other people) we are presented with our own conditioning, the silent demons of our own creation that we have carried with us for lifetimes. There comes a moment when you must face them, you must sit with them to finally integrate them. What does sitting with our own shadows mean? It means not reacting. It means holding space long enough to observe your emotions, your patterns. It means when you feel the need to run, fight, or react- you don’t. You relax in to stillness and allow the turmoil of your mind to thrash, but you do not take part in it. You do not grip to the thoughts presenting themselves, you allow them to spin, to twirl, to turn upside down, but you do not try and control them. This IS integration. This IS growth. This IS what it takes. The most beautiful part of this practice, is the understanding that your mind will come back to peace more and more quickly the less you try to crush it back in to what ‘looks’ perfect. And if you falter, if you do react, if you have a moment of weakness and fall back in to a pattern, it is the forgiveness and love you give yourself quickly that transmutes your shadow back to your light.
Not every day will feel equally as powerful when you are doing this work. Some days you will feel weaker than others. This is where our conviction to our own journey holds us to our choice for growth. This is when you must rely on the remembrance of why you set out on this path to carry you and lead you to the next stronger day. When you feel as if you have taken two steps forward and three steps back, I am reminding you that you have not. The sheer awareness that you are within an old pattern reflects the growth you have already embodied.
People are so quick to take ownership of the parts of themselves that are deemed desirable. Beauty, charisma, success- we gladly own these pieces of our identities. It is the dark aspects of our humanity that we fling outward, directing them at others or at circumstances we can blame for them. It is so simple to be a victim to circumstance. It is so simple to be a victim of life. This requires no courage, no bravery. It is the easiest choice to make.
When the choice is made within to finally change, and the conviction is held within to truly own that choice, comes with a price. The price is the uncomfortable moments that arise out of the blue. The reactions you feel within yourself that you know are conditioning. It requires a level of self awareness that most would rather avoid than cultivate.
But within each uncomfortable moment, each choice to react differently than the version of you would have in the past, is growth. It may feel infinitesimal, tiny, irrelevant. But these moments compound, over and over, and the version of you you seek to become slowly begins to awaken out of the nightmare and in to the dream.
We must ask ourselves who we truly want to be, how we truly want to show up in this life. Then make every single decision from that place, no matter how uncomfortable or different or raw or scary.
If you are on your own hero’s journey, I commend you. If you are walking through the forest of your own darkness, and the light feels out of reach, I honor you. I am here to remind you it is worth it. You are changing, and your bravery will be rewarded through each compounded choice over time.
It is worth it, and you’re almost there.
